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Wednesday, April 29, 2015

No Pain For My Tears

Dark words
On a blackened page
Like sadness
On a countenance in rage…
Hardly visible
But there despite the camouflage…
*******************************
Is it any wonder that I die…
Is it a mystery that my children do not live long…
Living in this place designed for the likes of me…
Breathing the poison of a polluted sphere…
Inhaling the available carbonmonoxided air…
Living I die
Laughing I cry
Hurting obviously… And wondering why...
Why the roads run through my living room
With their yellow lines dictating the flow of my life…
A linear circle that leads…but does not…
For here I sit in the rocking chair
Where my grandmother nursed me…
And it hurts…a lot…
But I have no tears to show…for my pain

I see the priests and publicans
Passing by on the other side…
And here I am… Getting high…
That is how I know they lied…
To you…to me
To all of us... And to themselves…
For although I know they feel my pain
They have no markings on their veins
To show that they…empathize
Yes they lied… They lie
I can see it in their eyes
Which they keep focused on not seeing me…
How can they not…
They know me…they must
They cannot pass…
I will not let them…

Hey…preacher man…look over here…
I feel your pain... I empathize
I have no lie to hide behind
I have no reason to be kind... At least not to myself…
I can let go
Can you “reverend…”
Can you let go... And prostitute your soul for your need…
Sex…drugs… And the momentary pleasures that they bring
So that I can forget…
So that I can unload my heavy burden…
My cross... My bitter cup… My Gethsemane…
Think you can see me “father”
Think you can know my heart…my pain…
My love…My hate…
My turmoil within/without…

Can you speak to me
Without the cloak of your dogma…
Can you understand my tumult within…without
You want to save my soul
But I must own this life…
Let God have this life… I will have my soul
Let God have my tears…I will have this life
And I will have eternal paradise…
Let God be me
And know this cruel life that i must live
Must I be punished for my father’s guilt…
Must I live his death… Must I…
Why can’t I just have my life...

I am sick “father”...
Sick of your convenient formulated answers…
Sick of your preaching…
Sick of you theo-logical postulations…
Shit and pain…
This is the logic of my life
Help me father…or leave me alone
So I can burn this hell…
So I can destroy this destruction which is my world…

Go back to the safety of you seclusion “man of god”
Leave me alone that I may unravel…
That I may rage on this hateful world…
Pass by as you would…on the other side
And I may pass you by also
On the road that I must walk…
For I am lost in this maze…
And I have no patience
With the process of a timely discovery…
I will…I must…
Tear down the walls that trap me…
******************************
Dark words
On a blackened page
Like sadness
On a countenance in rage…
Look closely and see…
That I have no pain…for my tears

From the book 'In My Element' by Roy Alexander Graham




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