Secrets Of A Not-So-Long Life

A young man set out on a quest to find the oldest person in the world, and to inquire of him or her as to what the secret of living a long life was. After much traveling, he came upon someone whom he thought must surely be the oldest person in the world. On a bench just a short distance from a local tavern sat the bent-over figure of a man with weathered looking features. At first he appeared asleep, but a closer look revealed half opened eyes, and his head was moving to the music coming from the tavern. It was just about ten thirty in the morning, so the young man thought this old  man must be resting from a morning walk. He appeared quite tired and worn out, and did not seem to notice as the young man came closer.

Approaching cautiously and with care not to startle this seemingly aged individual, our young traveler spoke: "Excuse me sir, if you don't mind I'd like to ask you how you have managed to live as long as you have?" Barely raising his head, the man answered in a raspy, tired voice: "Who wants to know?", he asked. "Well sir, my name is Andrew, and I am on a quest to find out what it takes to live a very long life". "Huh?", the man responded, as if he did not quite hear everything Andrew had said. "Can you please tell me how you have managed to live as long as you have", Andrew continued in a slightly raised voice.  "Well to tell the truth, I drink as much liquor as I can at every pub and party I can find. If there are drugs to be had, I'm always in. I love smoking cigarettes, and now that weed is legal here, I'm 'bout to get me a regular prescription if ya know what I mean. And as for sex, well let me tell you boy, there is hardly much that I have not done. People say we need eight hours of rest, well if you ask me, sleeping is pretty much a waste of time when there is a party going on...". "Hold on a moment sir", then Andrew interrupted, "you mean to tell me that you have lived this long doing all the things you just mentioned?". "Yup!" the man answered with a jerk of his head and shoulders. "And can I ask how old you are sir?", said Andrew with much consternation in his voice. "Why, boy I'm only thirty five!", the man boasted.

At this Andrew shook his head in disbelief and turned to walk away. "Hold on a minute", the man said as he got up to follow Andrew, "You got change for a cigarette and a burger? Don't think I've eaten since yesterday".